jokes
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Ho-ho.

I was bored, so I decided to make some jokes which weren't funny. Here they are. They're jokes. They're not funny. It is possible that this constitutes a paradox. Then again, maybe it doesn't.

Woo, interactive!

Non-funny jokes are really quite easy to create (far easier than funny jokes, in fact). In recognition of this, I am giving you - yes you - the chance to add your own personal non-funny jokes to this page. Simply scroll to the bottom of the page (or follow this link), and enter a joke to add it to a list from which I will then select those I believe to be genuinely unhumorous (yes, moderation is anti-democratic; no, I don't care). Note that the joke can't just not be very good, it must actually contain not one shred of amusement. For a bad joke is just bad, but a non-joke is truly oxymoronic, and thus somehow approaches humour from the other side, attaining in this way its own contorted hilarity. Or not.

The (anti-)Jokes

The jokes are arranged by category. You can select a link from the list, or just browse the whole page (it's not that big).

'What's X and Y...'

What's grey and doesn't smell when you pour water on it?
A spanner.
What's big and doesn't stop bar fights?
A traffic light.
What's red and can't fly a jumbo jet?
A football shirt.
What's yellow and doesn't write feminist poetry?
A canary.
What's green, or occasionally yellow when it dries out?
Grass.
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'Knock, knock...'

(Note: this is, in fact, one non-joke, repeated as many times as you wish.) - Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Your mum/dad/granma/granpa/brother/best friend/arch-nemesis etc. (select whichever you prefer)
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'What's the difference between...'

What's the difference between a war and a filing cabinet?
A war is something where people fight and die, a filing cabinet is somewhere to store files in.
What's the difference between a mechanic and a piece of cheese?
A mechanic is someone who fixes things (often cars), a piece of cheese is a foodstuff made from fermented milk.
What's the difference between a car-park and a gooseberry bush?
A car park is somewhere where you put cars, a gooseberry bush is somewhere (a bush, in fact) where gooseberries grow.
What's the difference between a boxing ring and the eardrum?
A boxing ring is where boxers go to fight, whilst the eardrum is the part of your ear which absorbs sounds ready for the brain to process them.
What's the difference between earth and dirt?
Nothing; which word you use depends largely on where you come from (although other factors play a part as well).
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'What do you call...

What do you call a man who wears a policeman's hat, has a walky-talky, and goes out on beat?
A policeman. (Admittedly, not that many go out on beat any more, though.)
What do you call someone with a spade on his head?
A weirdo (unless he has a very good reason for wearing the aforementioned spade).
What do you call someone who tricks people out of their money?
A con-man (unless he uses cards, in which case you could call him a card-sharp; the choice is yours).
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Miscellaneous

A man walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer. The barman says, "Why should I serve you?". The man replies, "Because I'm over 18 and I've got enough money," and shows the barman his driving licence as proof of age. At this the barman admits his error and serves the man. He drinks his drink slowly, over about an hour (he orders a side order of chips with it, and there are some friends there, so he doesn't feel like a loner or anything). Then he decides to go home. Parky is on TV, so he watches that for a bit, but there's no-one particularly interesting on it, and he's tired, so he decides to go to bed.

How many office workers does it take to change a light-bulb?
One.

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Add your own!

The following form will allow you to submit a suggestion for a (non-)joke to add. If you enter your name in the appropriate box, the joke will be properly attributed, otherwise it will be marked as 'anon.'. (Note: owing to my desire to actually put something up on my website while I have a modicum of free time, I haven't actually written any such script yet, so this will give you an error. Sorry. Maybe I'll do it soon. Maybe I won't.)

Your name:
Your joke:
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